{I gotta feelin'}

You know that feeling that you get in your stomach when something big is happening in your life? I can actually say that I have had that feeling all week so far...and it is exhausting! (In a good way) This week bring a lot of change for me- being accepted to Seminary, training once again (finally), registering for classes without an advisor to literally walk me through, buying my textbooks, and so much more.

There is a smile on my face, that is for certain. There is also a pit in my stomach...a pit of uncertainty, of "is this really happening???"

I can laugh about it and then move on...scripture tells me-

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6

Yes, I can rest in this...

I'm just saying...my mind is on overload! haha 

Lord, my goodness, my emotions are like a bouncy ball in a room with nothing in it but walls. I am on my knees in adoration of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing me to be yours and igniting a passion within my heart to serve you in a mighty way. I pray so desperately that YOU be glorified!

{At times I laugh}

At times I laugh, 

At times I cry, 

At times I wonder why...

This time was a duel, 

I almost felt like a fool, 

until the peace came I felt like a mule. 

The confusion set in, 

quick doubts ran rampant,

then the peace settled in. 

When the peace came in, 

The smile of a perm-a-grin, 

I was able to breathe and take it in. 

Thankful- eucharisto 

Yesterday, was a day I will remember. It is marked on my thankful wall and written on my facebook wall. (Ok enough with the rhyming). Yesterday, around 10am I was accepted into the Master's program of Women's Leadership with a Minor in Biblical Counseling  at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary for the start of the fall semester. If you would have asked me a year ago what I was going to do, I would have gotten pretty frustrated with you and probably told you that I was going to go into Physician Assistant program around this area.

It couldn't be more different than that, and I could not be more excited about this chapter. Yes, it is going to be difficult, it is going to stretch me to incredible limits, it is going to change me as an individual in all areas, and the best thing is that however long this takes me to complete- I get to spend this time being extremely intentional learning about my God in a way I have not been able to before! When knowledge and wisdom increase, intimacy increases-therefore, I get to fall more in love with my Savior.

My goodness, my trust is in the Lord. I need His strength, peace, and mercy...and His affirmation alone.  Wow, God!

I am ready, I am saying yes, I am going, stepping and not stopping!

{thoughts on Psalm 139:13-16}

Now, don't get me wrong... I love reading through the Psalms and David's laments to the Lord. I love seeing and realizing that He is real, that he is human, that he struggled, and fought, tried to give up, fought some more and continued crying out. Throughout the book of Psalms we get 150 of these songs/laments mostly of David crying out, reaching out, and on his face before the Lord. Where are our modern day Davids'? Anyone else have that question????

So here goes, Psalm 139:13-16

[13] For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

[14] I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

[15] My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

[16] Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

(Psalm 139:13-16 ESV)

Now, with all of this health stuff continuing, I would be lying if I told you I was not fighting with this truth....I have been upset, frustrated, emotionally drained and honestly exhausted of trying to understand where the Lord has me right now and why I am dealing with this. A friend pointed me to James 1:1-4 and I got angry...I didn't want to hear that I should be thankful for this trial I am enduring, but I read it and have been meditating on it. I have also been trying to be thankful and joyous through all of this.

For those of you who read this and aren't sure where I am coming from right now, I am working though more medical testing for a multitude of other symptoms I have been having. Specifically last week, we got news back that yes, everything pointed to one answer and if it was actually that diagnosis then things would really start looking up...I would be feeling better, etc. just by changing my diet, mostly. But, you guessed it...that diagnosis came back negative. I took the news in from the Dr. with a gulp and lump in my throat followed by many tears...but started reflecting on words I had just read the night before...

"Being thankful always precedes a miracle....eucharisteo meaning Thankful....have thanks and be thankful in everything, even in the mess"-Ann Voskamp (paraphrase and emphasis added from Me)

I start asking myself...how in the world can I be thankful in this...when there are no answers right now, when we have to start "searching" once again..hmmm Yet, scripture kept floating in my head. I flipped back to Psalm 139 and began reading. I stopped quickly faced with this reminder that God, MY MAKER, CREATOR, ALMIGHTY God formed me...He alone knitted me together...then it says, "I praise you...." hold on a minute!!!!!! I praise you....I praise the Lord...I praise the one who formed me...I praise the one who knew and knows what is going on in me...wait, what?!?! David says, "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made" WHOA! My thoughts...can I actually say that I know that in my heart right now? Yes, I can absolutely say that I know this is truth, that is is active today as much as it was real and active for David, but my heart says, how can I be wonderfully made, when I am sick? When my body is killing itself?

There is a very special word used mostly throughout the Psalms...it is Selah. 

Now there is some debate on what it directly translates to but most scholars believe it means "to pause"; "to praise". I love this...it means...hold up a minute, what you just read was PROFOUND! Selah is not used in this Psalm, but I paused and tried to process what I was reading, what I know as truth and what my heart was telling me at that time...I was frustrated, yet I always come back to this...the day I found out about my tumor (which started all of this medical stuff) I prayed that morning in my time with the Lord that I would get to experience Him in a new way...I had never experienced Him as my healer. BOOM! 


So I continue reading...verse 15- when I was being made is secret, INTRICATELY woven in the depths of the earth...wow,  I should catch that, should have more peace than even knowing that the Creator of the Universe, created me and formed me and breathed life into me... I should have peace that He clearly knows me and is aware of every sickness I will have... I desire so much glorify Him with everything I am. So I am saying this now and proclaiming it loud...My life, everything I am is in His hands (no where better to be)....I have peace that He is in control, He knows all diagnoses, He gives the Dr.'s the wisdom and knowledge and in His perfect timing and in His will I will be healed...yet I also recognize and believe that only if it is His will, I will be healed and yet I am absolutely called to glorify and make His name known in every season of my life.


I pray daily that I will be in a place where I can serve Him to my greatest potential, that I will be in a place to glorify His name above every other name and that I would live and love in the center of His will. THANK YOU JESUS for this season...I love to live in the valley because there I am closest to my knees and bow out of adoration of you. 

{Things that put a smile on my face}

If I am honest, this week has been one of the worst weeks I've had in a while...emotionally, physically, and spiritually. More medical issues arise and the frustration lies in having a multitude of symptoms that all point to one thing specifically and yet, the diagnosis of that one things that encapsulates all of those symptoms comes up negative...What the crap?!?! To say the least, it has been a couple days of tears, frustration, confusion, and hopelessness. I know that all sounds horrible, BUT I am just stating how I feel, the facts...I can't even lead you to think that I have it all together in anyway, bc that is extremely far from the truth. I write about this, not so you feel bad...really, I write to try and clear my head, to get it all out, and maybe one day I can help someone else go through something similar- which I earnestly pray no one has to go through this...I was thinking as I am sitting here scrolling through pinterest :) follow me http://pinterest.com/eringari9/ if you would like...anyway, I was thinking about my attitude and thoughts...how depressing and bland they are and decided to post about things I am loving right now...to give me a smile.

Here Goes....

1. I am loving the color....MUSTARD YELLOW I don't really know why this obsession started, but it is clear and if you talk to me in person for more than a couple minutes you would know it. I think some of my friends get annoyed when they hear..."Ohhh, it's mustard yellow!"
2. Panera's Green Tea -it is so stinking gooood!
3. Pinterest...now I know this is on about 99% of women's favorite pages, but seriously...THE best idea ever!                -Go Here to follow me
4. My Bible...beyond thankful to be able to freely and openly read scripture wherever and whenever I want. I love flipping through the pages and reading the commentary I have written and what I have been taught...loving that the Lord is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent! His word is living and active!
5. The song: Always by Kristian Stanfill

       6. Quinoa- if you are not familiar with this grain....you need to be!

        7. Psalm 90:14 "Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

that we may rejoice and be glad all our days."

                                                    (Psalm 90:14 ESV)

        8. Journaling- I love being about to write and write and write some more...how refreshing!

        9. Instagram :)  ohhhh it is so much fun!!!!!! I love photography

                      

       10. Lemons and Limes I can't get enough....weird, I am well aware

I think that is enough for now... reply and tell me some things that are making you smile today. I would really love to read!!!!  

           Oh and one more...

                    You know there is a problem when your Dr. orders you to get some sun exposure :) No problemo with me!!!!!

Ok, but really write me back and tell me what you are loving!

{reason to sing}

When the pieces seem to shatter
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don’t feel you anymore
No I don’t feel you anymore

I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing

When I’m overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I’m afraid I might let go
I’m afraid I might let go
Oh Oh Oh

I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing

Yeah

Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
Oh
Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now

I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
That is a reason to sing

{For Father's Day and everyday}

On Mother's day I wrote a poem for Mom, but today I wanted to do something different. I am going to do a list of 10 things I love about my Fajah :) So, here goes (In no particular order):

1. He recognizes when I: cut my hair, put on make-up, and/or dress up  
             - Dad always takes the time to compliment me when I do something a little different. He loves my hair short (which I don't prefer), notices when I put on jewelry and/or make-up, and every time I wear more than sports clothes or jeans and a shirt- He tells me I am beautiful! So special...


2. He finds different ways to encourage me
             - He knows kind words go a long way and understands that even a hug speaks huge measures


3. Tells me he loves me at least once a day
             - I am so spoiled with this relationship I have with my Dad. Even when things are a little frustrating and I am being irritable, He looks beyond that and says those three words...143


4. Dad gives THE best hugs
             - You know the hug I am talking about...it's the hug where you can put your head on his chest and it fits just perfectly...it's the hug where you know nothing can separate it...the hug where you feel safe...yep, that hug :)


5. Watches and sometimes enjoys movies he wouldn't normally watch
              -Yes, I am mostly talking about those wonderful chick flicks...but, we also love a great comedy...Mrs. Doubtfire is one of our old time favorties...He does AWESOME impressions too..."Heeellllloooooooo, my precious" 


6. Loves sports
                -We love watching sports together...even if we like rival teams :)  He brought me up a Yankee and a Florida Gator...now his team is the Rays....it makes for fun competition


7. Is my BIGGEST fan
               -In everything I do whether sports, school, speaking, etc. He shows me more support than I deserve. 


8. He WANTS to spend time with me
                -I am so thankful to have a father that desires to have a good relationship with me. He wants to know what is going on in my life and whether He thinks I am making a good or unsure decision, He is there to support me and encourage me through.

9. He is a great example of a Father, Husband, and Best Friend
                -I tell Dad pretty much every Father's Day that I desire to marry someone who has similar characteristics, personality, and love that He shows all the time. Having the example of my parents marriage is one of the things in my life I am incredibly thankful for. They enjoy each other so much...I hope one day I can like someone as much as I love someone, like they do.

10. He is not always so serious
                -One thing I will always remember is to have fun...Dad makes this a part of every single day, even when he is hurting, sick, or stressed. We have jokes that only he and I know...He has taught me about sarcasm and shows it daily :)

I love my Dad

Two of my Favorite People (Fajah and Poppa) 

flashback

Recently I have been reminiscing an awful lot about my time with my Grandpa (Poppa). We had such a special relationship and I miss him dearly...this is a post I found today that I wrote exactly 1 day after he passed away...

Oh my where to begin...I guess saying it is finally Erin is a good start :)
Yes, I am the "teacher" and crazy addicted to sports and pretty much any athletic "thing"I can get my hand on...Kristin did such a nice job introducing the three of us, but I want to be sure to state that she is awesome! So is Suz, no doubt! I feel so honored to live life with these two girls. Like Kristin said, we met in college and have continued a friendship ever since with the roller coaster inside each I am sure...Anyway-

I have to be ridiculously honest right now and tell you that I am hurting more than I ever have. KT said that I could say everything I was feeling because no one reads this anyway and then says...you never know, it may help someone...HA she makes me laugh!

So, just to put you into perspective, My sweet Poppa passed away last night exactly 24 hours from when I am typing this (WEIRD!!!!!), anyway, he is the only Grandpa I have ever had and I was so close to him. This is also the first death of the family which makes this ever so confusing and painful for me. He leaves behind so much family and so many amazing memories. But there is something so much more in is precious life we were so blessed to share with him- stay with me here, my mind is going in all sorts of directions...

KT told you (whoever YOU are) that we have been studying the "love" chapter...1 Corinthians 13. I think I can speak for us all and say that we have been constantly dumbfounded maybe a better word would be wrecked by this piece of scripture. It has a world of meaning behind it and the Lord has been so sweet as to share another meaning of Love with us. As we have been walking through verse after verse we are continually reminded that love is a choice, it is so much more than an emotion, it is a lifestyle, an understanding, a trust, gosh I could go on forever....but LOVE can be defined and understood in sooooo many ways...

From this past week with Thanksgiving in between I cannot even begin to explain the emotions running through my head...spending this last holiday with my Poppa was one I will never forget. But, I have a question for you......What does love mean to you? ........think about it, it is not an easy answer.....The Lord has shown me love in such a new way in the past couple hours.
I want to share a picture with you that I took just days ago... (my Grandpa holding my Grandmas hand)

Now easily this could be just a picture, and to you it probably is...who am I kidding, but can't this be an amazing picture of love? Sure my Grandparents had arguments and bickered, but my goodness they were married for 63 years!!!!!! Talk about love never ending, being patient, not being envied, but being joyful...I asked my Poppa the other day, just this past Wednesday what his favorite memory was...without having to think more than 5 seconds he said, the day I married your Grandmother. Precious....but how much more exciting would it have been if he said, the day I accepted Jesus? Now, I will tell you that he definitely knew God, but I will also tell you that I am pretty sure the relationship Jesus so graciously offers was not taken from my Poppa. Saturday evening I had the opportunity to hold my Poppa's hand for a good 45 minutes and I sat and told him everything about my Jesus that I could. While looking at my Poppa and praying for him, crying out for him for peace and comfort, I was so incredibly convicted...convicted because I hadn't really taken the opportunity until that point to literally talk to him about what I hold highest in my life (so I say). Yes, actions speak louder than words, and he knew that I was a believer and held my relationship with Jesus very high in my life, but if I am truly IN LOVE, passionate, and following Jesus this shouldn't have been the first time I was vocalizing my faith. I don't know what my Poppa heard when I was telling him about the greatest gift ever and about the transformation of my life, but I do believe I did what we are so called to do, I shared Jesus with him...the important part for me to understand and believe is that, I do not hold his salvation in my hands, I have no saving power (thank goodness, right!) but seriously....it was amazing! I felt ridiculously silly talking and crying to my big gentle giant of a grandpa sleeping with oxygen pumping constantly, but I shared the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Enough said.

As I was getting ready to drive home that night, one of my Aunts asked me to pray with her....quickly I responded "Absolutely" and walked outside holding her hand and prayed...prayed some more and then ended giving my Poppa to Jesus. She looked at me and said, "Erin, I find so much strength in you", quickly I corrected her and said, "I get it all from Jesus, so rest in that" and her response was one I will never ever forget...."Well, this Jesus is changing lives in this family".

And this is where I will end.

{Testimony}

I wanted to take some time to clarify some major points of my story. I became very hesitant after I posted this about how you may take some points I made about growing up specifically. I hope you get to read this before you click 'play' because this is very important to me. Growing up was great! I had my parents to myself (other than their work) because my half-brother did not live with us, so I had so much attention it was ridiculous. I absolutely love that I was not forced into an "organized religion" and that it was literally a tug from the Lord that brought me to my knees in surrender to Him. I believe everyone, even if your Father is a Pastor and Mother is a Women's Director in a church that you ultimately choose your faith, after God has chosen you! Like I say in the video, I am so incredibly grateful for my parents, for the values and characteristics they instilled in me and for the woman they have brought me up to be. They are both amazing people, both as a couple and as individuals and I think everyone should get to know them. My heart so beats for them, gosh I love them so much! I also want to make this clear...in the way I was brought up with the sports I played, activities I was involved in, etc. so many characteristics were taught: loyalty, respect, love, fight, work ethic, team work, honesty...I could go on for a long time. But, here's the deal...what I said is true, it is true to the core of me and if it is truth I will not stray away from it. I am so thankful, please hear my heart. 

This is my testimony that I was asked to give at the young adult ministry I attend. We are in the middle of a series called Sovereignty plus Grace equals ENOUGH. 

Thanks for taking the time to watch :) I pray that it blesses you in some way

{Mother's Day}

My Mom is da bomb, 
she knows how it's sung.
Willing and able, she shows 
how it's done. 
Her heart pours out over 
and over till it's wrung. 
Yet, she keeps it going
like nothings wrong. 
Mom is cool. 
She went to school. 
Married my Dad and
that was no duel.
I'm blessed to call her Mom,
while we all sing her a song...
she is most of all, my stinkin mom!

I love you Mom!

{Psalm 130}

Last week sometime I was asked a pretty challenging question...

Let me start by giving you some background. I serve on the Creative Team for Impact, the college/young adult ministry that I attend and serve at. The Creative Team is a group of individuals that we feel has creative ideas and biblical input to challenge each other and pinpoint what it is that Impact as a ministry and the people that attend need to be challenged with. We have been praying about and forming the mission statement and heartbeat of this group and desperately trying to be and stay in the center of God's will for this ministry. We think/pray about the teaching, challenges, creative aspects (logos, stage elements, leadership, etc) and responsibilities. 

Now that I got all of that out I can move forward. Each person on the team was asked to bring a Psalm of your choosing that has challenged you the most and means something to you...be ready to explain it and why it is important to you. I would go to the extent to say that most Christians and even individuals who are not believers read Psalms more than any other book of the Bible. I may be wrong on that, but I would venture to say that I am probably right. I think many people can or try to relate to the crying out of mostly David, not even realizing the place and the destruction in his heart when writing most of these laments. They at times give hope, peace, understanding, and nurturement (I know that's not a word, but work with me here :)  ). I knew most of the people in the group, keep in mind there are only 7 of us...would probably come with well known Psalms...for example, 139, 37, 23, etc. There is no problem with that at all, but I wanted to challenge myself...

You have probably guessed by now, but the Psalm I chose was, Psalm 130... I'll put it in here so you don't have to pull out your Bible....(horrible I know, asking you to open that...whew) Please read my sarcasm there...

Psalm 130

English Standard Version (ESV)

My Soul Waits for the Lord

A Song of Ascents.

130 

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord!

² 

    O Lord, hear my voice!

Let your ears be attentive

    to the voice of my pleas for mercy!

³ 

If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities,

    O Lord, who could stand?

⁴ 

But with you there is forgiveness,

     that you may be feared.

⁵ 

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

    and in his word I hope;

⁶ 

my soul waits for the Lord

    more than watchmen for the morning,

    more than watchmen for the morning.

⁷ 

O Israel, hope in the Lord!

    For with the Lord there is steadfast love,

    and with him is plentiful redemption.

⁸ 

And he will redeem Israel

    from all his iniquities.

Oh, goodness...where do I even start! My heart is so, right there...I want to you get something from this..I want you to desperately grasp the fact that...are you ready for this???? Even in our deepest pit we can cry out to God and be heard! Profound, right? Ha ha now it may not be very profound to you, but this wrecked me, yes in a good way. 

Keep in mind...We do not know the writer of Psalm 130

Here we see expressed:  

• His desires
• His repentance before God
• His attendance upon God
• His expectations of God

Get this, "We are taught to humble ourselves before God, before the justice of God guilty in His sight" -Matthew Henry

I venture to say that you, whomever you are, you have probably at some point felt like you were in a similar place to the writer. That when he says, out of the depths you grasp that... it hits you in your heart...I can say that I have been there, probably not to that extent, lets be real, but in my darkest deepest pit, lets just say...my thought was, "I feel ya!". 

I'm very curious to know your answer to the question I was challenged with...bring a Psalm of your choosing that has challenged you the most and means something to you...be ready to explain it and why it is important to you. Will you write me back and share? Don't feel like you have to go into depth, but I would love to know your heart.... 

{Tozer}

A friend recently sent me this site from his new software: logos. It is a great tool as a Scholar to use to be well equipped for teaching, etc. I have read some of A.W. Tozer's work and thoughts before, but this page was overwhelming with quotes from some of his books...I challenge you to take a look at this and really reflect on it...mind-blowing stuff, I tell ya!

A.W. Tozer quotes 

Aiden Wilson (A. W.) Tozer was born in a small farming community in Western Pennsylvania on April 21, 115 years ago. His spiritual path opened up when, as a 15-year-old, Tozer responded to a street evangelist. Five years later, with no theological training, he began pastoring his first church.

Tozer spent the rest of his life as a pastor, rising to national prominence during his tenure at Southside Alliance Church, Chicago, IL (1928–1959). Tozer wrote the spiritual classic The Pursuit of God during his time in Chicago, and over his lifetime authored more than 40 books. His steadfast call to repentance and faith earned him the nickname “the 20th-century prophet.”

On May 12, 1963, he went to be with his Lord after suffering a heart attack. The epitaph on his tombstone simply reads: “A. W. Tozer—A Man of God.”

To celebrate this remarkable man of faith, I put together 10 of my favorite Tozer quotes:

1. “I want the presence of God Himself, or I don’t want anything at all to do with religion. You would never get me interested in the old maids’ social club with a little bit of Christianity thrown in to give it respectability. I want all that God has, or I don’t want any.”—from The Counselor
2. “I wonder also how many Christians in our day have truly and completely abandoned themselves to Jesus Christ as their Lord. We are very busy telling people to “accept Christ”—and that seems to be the only word we are using. We arrange a painless acceptance.”—from Who Put Jesus on the Cross?
3. “The world lives in such a time of crisis. Christians alone are in a position to rescue the perishing. We dare not settle down to try to live as if things were normal.”—from Born After Midnight
4. “But a lot of people have gone too far and have written books and poetry that gets everybody believing that God is so kind and loving and gentle. God is so kind that infinity won’t measure it. And God is so loving that He is immeasurably loving. But God is also holy and just.”—from The Attributes of God, Volume One
5. “I can only say, let us be tolerant wherever we can be, and let us be charitable toward all those we cannot tolerate. But let us not imagine for a minute that we are called upon to take a top-of-the-fence stand, never knowing exactly what we believe.”—from Faith Beyond Reason
6. “It is a high Christian privilege to pray for one another within each local church body and then for other believers throughout the world. As a Christian minister, I have no right to preach to people I have not prayed for. That is my strong conviction.”—from Tragedy in the Church: The Missing Gifts
7. “In some circles, God has been abridged, reduced, modified, edited, changed and amended until He is no longer the God whom Isaiah saw, high and lifted up.”—from Whatever Happened to Worship?
8. “No matter what the circumstances, we Christians should keep our heads. God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind. It is a dismal thing to see a son of heaven cringe in terror before the sons of earth.”—from The Warfare of the Spirit
9. “Rightly understood, faith is not a substitute for moral conduct but a means toward it. The tree does not serve in lieu of fruit but as an agent by which fruit is secured. Fruit, not trees, is the end God has in mind in yonder orchard; so Christ-like conduct is the end of Christian faith.”—from Size of the Soul
10. “The only fear I have is to fear to get out of the will of God. Outside of the will of God, there’s nothing I want, and in the will of God there’s nothing I fear, for God has sworn to keep me in His will.”—from Success and the Christian: The Cost of Spiritual Maturity