(sorry for the size of the pictures) BUT- I began to think today about what my life looks like. I'm not trying to hide anything on here and I am going to be totally honest because God showed me a huge revelation today. I am so guilty of thinking I am better than others (doesn't matter who) and filling myself of pride. It broke me in half today reflecting on how self-centered my life is. I will tell you over and over again that I desire to be a woman of God, utterly and passionately in love with my Creator, but when I turn away, you could be so fooled by my pursuit. Now I understand that everyone has struggles and I once heard quote from I believe Beth Moore, "If you think you don't struggle with pride, then you are prideful." Harsh reality huh? At times I can say that I am on a "passionate pursuit of God" but recently it has been when I want to or when I can make time for it. I found myself tonight trying to do everything I could before spending time with Jesus-Laundry, biking, swimming, reading my Microbiology book, calling people to hang out, TV, etc. but I found myself face down on a towel outside my house crying out to God because I have become so lost and caught up in the world! BIG SURPRISE--NOT! How captivating the world can be, even with school. I am in a position right now where an A in micro is crucial to me Graduating...How the heck can I expect God to help me through it and "give me the desires of my heart" when I am not giving Him the time of day and not holding Him, MY GOD, as my greatest joy in life? It is what He calls us to do, "When you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart" -Psalm 37:4. We focus, or at least I am guilty of being caught in the giving of desires of my heart and forgetting the delighting in the one who MADE me.
I realized that I had in a way lost myself, my identity, my motives-I could only ask, who am I? It is so sad that I let myself drift in a way I thought I had already conquered, but I think that was my first problem...thinking I had already gotten through it. From the pictures in the beginning- I can say that I am all of those at once right now. My heart is flooded with emotions and I am literally trembling and in utter fear of God. I am amazed at how BIG he is and that doesn't even hit close to a bulls eye of his massiveness. "Time after time you have been forgotten, you have ran after me, and I was still running away, but God you never give up on me, I am weak and you are strong, but you tell me I still belong, God you never give up on me..." those are the words running through my head right now.
I was out with some good friends the other night, one that I haven't seen in a while and He was talking about some friends up North. He began to explain this girl that he knows from school. He explained her as, "An absolutely beautiful girl because she is more in love with Jesus than anyone I know. She is so focused on Him and to glorifying Him that she acts and is totally content with treating this relationship she has with Jesus as her true husband." He said, "this just makes me want to be around her more"...
Oh God, forgive me. I am called to be the bride of Christ and to glorify you, and I have been everything but that. God you never give up on me and I know that is a promise, I have used your grace as a reason to turn the other way, but God will you lift me up from my fall? I am so weak God but you are strong! Make me your servant God, show me your heart. Lord my heart is in half right now not because your truth has hit me, but God it is because of your great love for me and how I can fall at your feet in repentance because of your insurmountable grace. Lead me to your cross...I am putting down my life- may you become greater and make me much less.
